Spring's in the air

Am almost half way through "Saving fish from drowning" by Amy Tan. Its a curiously engaging book. I think am going to enjoy it. I remember watching the Joy Luck Club a few years back and really liking it. As a rule, visceral realistic stories, vex me. They make me feel uncomfortable and wretched. Powerful stories have given me a few sleepless nights. I find it impossible to understand how anybody can enjoy and appreciate them. Sure, they can be fascinating- like watching a deadly venomous snake or a roadkill, But to purpotedly relish those sort of books is beyond me. I prefer genteel stories. No wonder I still love Jane Austen.

Weather is warmer though there have been cloudy and rainy spells. I have been feeling a lot more optimistic. My friend won a hard-earned promotion and she had come over yesterday with jalebis. She is a person who has rediscovered her faith. In fact, I used to feel a little worried about losing her to her prayer meetings. But, I now see I was being infantile. This is exactly what she needs in her life now.

The things I want

I seem to have a voracious appetite for the things I don't "posess". I want pretty things to beautify my home, I want a car, I want more trendy clothes, I want my kid to have a game console and so on and on and am not even starting on my apearance. Look, even I can see how nauseating this sounds. Which is why I am blogging and not boring my friends to tears over this. Am just one among the millions of people who desire stuff beyond their means. Its just that its so demoralizing: where ever I look I seem to be the one worst off. Add to that a conservative old-fashioned boor of a husband who has grown up with the intractable notion that if a penny can possibly be saved- it should be. He is loathe to spend on anything which can be perceived as a luxury apart from certain exceptions. It infuriates me! He is justified though. Its up to me to contribute to the family income and not plot up ways to deplete it. Despite my doctorate in -ology I seem to be going no where career wise.

I am crippled by a sense of my own worthlessness. Though over the years, a couple of close friends have attempted to jolt me out of this quagmire of self pity, it doesn't help in the long term. Have also sort of lost my faith. I think what faith does is to give you a sort of framework to build yourself- if you lose your faith you need to replace it with something else or you start feeling vacuous.

I have no idea what I am anymore. I feel trapped and suffocated. I hate being financially dependent on the aforementioned boor- who is actually quite a decent and kind man. But in my long drawn out state of lethargy, I have no will to help myself. This blog will hopefully change me for the better.